Book Review: Facing his demons

By: Rabbi Rachel Esserman

The children of Holocaust survivors have a unique psychological makeup. As Lev Raphael notes in his latest work, "My Germany: A Jewish Writer Returns to the World His Parents Escaped" (Terrace Books), the formative events of their lives occurred not to them, but to their parents: "At a meeting of children of Holocaust survivors in the 1990s, we were all asked to introduce ourselves, and, almost without exception, we told others who we were and then instantly reeled off our parents’ ‘pedigrees’ – where they had suffered during the war (and sometimes what) – as if our identities were totally subsumed by their wartime ordeals." The loss and pain his parents suffered at the hands of Germany shaped Raphael’s life and plays a major role in his writing, whether it focuses on his Jewish or gay identity. Raphael vowed never to visit Germany and kept that promise until after his mother’s death. Then a combination of events forced him to not only re-evaluate this decision, but offered him an opportunity to "explore what had always been taboo and terrifying to me" in order to face the demons that had obsessed him since childhood.

"My Germany" is part memoir and part travelogue. The first two sections focus on Raphael’s early years, first life with his parents and then the development of his Jewish and gay identities. While these subjects may be familiar to readers of his other work, this doesn’t diminish their power. They are also necessary to explain his deep fear of Germany. Brought up in a household that was "haunted" by the war, the subject became even more dangerous since it was never openly discussed. Raphael compares family life to a mine field, noting that he never knew "when I would say or do the wrong thing that might spark a devastating comment from my parents, something so dark and humiliating that I would feel as if the ground under me had exploded and a whirlpool opened and swallowed me alive. The war was long over, but casualties could still be counted."

What his parents had experienced under the reign of Nazi Germany seemed more real to him than his own life: "It’s an emotional intimacy more than a factual one, best represented by the fact that for us one always spoke of ‘the war’ as if there had never been another one in history." Nothing that could ever happen to the second generation could ever compare to their parents’ experiences, so their sorrows and troubles were discounted. These children were expected to excel, with their accomplishments making up for all their parents had suffered.

The shadow of the war also fell across Raphael’s religious life. His parents were not observant, although they did hold special holiday dinners. But, while they may have eaten matzah, they never held a seder or attended one at the home of a friend or neighbor. Although the family lived near a synagogue, it seemed a forbidding, scary place to Raphael. His parents’ social life consisted of gatherings with other Holocaust survivors, but these only taught him to fear being Jewish, to wish he could escape his heritage. It was not until he was an adult that he learned "of Jewish holidays marking spiritual as well as historical time and the idea of Shabbat as an island in the week, a refuge from ordinary time." Yet, as he became more aware of his gay identity, he feared losing this bond to Judaism, that is until he met the partner with whom he explored both identities, learning that there were other gay and lesbian Jews who could help them find a home in their religious tradition.

Through all these explorations, his identity as the child of Holocaust survivors still reigned supreme. Then Raphael’s mother died, which led him to wonder about her life, about all the things she had never told him. He began to research her history, to learn more about her experiences during the war. This led to his first trip to Germany, initially an unsettling one since he had never before thought of "Germany as separate from my parents’ experiences, a modern nation charting a new course." He’d previously hid from news about the country, trying to pretend it didn’t exist because "the whole subject was radioactive." Yet, he finds his experience a pleasant one and, when a German publisher decides to translate two of his books into German, he agrees to return for a book tour, to spend more time in a country that still fills him with fear.

To Raphael’s surprise, he has a wonderful time during his visit. He also makes a connection between his trip and the writing he’s done about the experiences of members of the second generation, seeing both as tikkun olam (repairing the world). While Raphael is aware that the new Germany isn’t perfect and that many will disagree with his opinions, for him, the trip was healing experience. It allowed him to let go of his fears and hate and move on. At the same time, he acknowledges that there is a sadness to his life he can never escape, nor will he ever feel completely rooted in Germany or the United States.

"My Germany" is a moving, poignant portrait of a human being coming to terms with not only his own life, but with the history bequeathed to him by his parents. Those familiar with Raphael’s other work will be delighted to learn more about the latest chapter in his life journey. Readers unfamiliar with his novels, short stories and essays will also find themselves enchanted by this honest, open portrayal of a thoughtful and well-observed life.